Losing My Mind?

So here’s the deal. I think I’m losing my mind and I’m not sure what to do about it and I’m not sure I want it to stop. The fact that I think I like it makes me worry even more that I’m truly losing my mind. There’s a couple of things that are happening.

The first is that I seem to be losing my memory and even my train of thought. Anyone that’s ever heard me tell a story will know that I am rarely at a loss for words. In fact often I can see their eyes glaze over as I tend to go off on tangents. Lately I will be in the middle of a conversation and mid sentence lose the next word. It’s there. I know it’s bouncing around inside my skull I just can’t track it down and get it out. It’s frustrating to have to pause and go “uh, um that thing you know what I’m talking about” in the middle of a sentence. Not only does it make me feel stupid not to be able to recall a word but, it extends my already long-winded tale. Shortening stories is something I have worked on in the past, unsuccessfully. What’s worse is forgetting what the hell I’m talking about. I’ll be in mid story and forget which story I’m telling. This seems to delight the people I have trapped into listening to them. I think it gives them an escape route.

Also I’ve tended to do things logically. Step 1, Step 2, Step 3…. I don’t seem to operate that way anymore. I seem to get everything at once. All the information. And then I have a problem getting it all out there or putting it all together into something that makes sense. Here’s the thing though. This new crazy outpouring of information or thoughts seems to have given me something I never had before. At least I felt I never had much of it. That’s creativity. When you do things by plan, step by step it doesn’t leave room for veering off the intended target. Now that I have to assemble this huge jumble of information, I can see that it doesn’t always have just one way that it fits together. So I can see the possibilities as well as the regular old way to do things. Because of this change I’m writing more and it seems to be better material. I hope. My photos seem to be composed better and I’ve even written a song that I like. I’ve written music before, I just wouldn’t say any of it was much good.

The last thing that seems to be happening to me is I’m apparently losing my cool. I grew up watching John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. Men are supposed to be cool and calm and collected. They keep their wits about them and wait for the right moment to act. Although I don’t think I left my cool under pressure personality totally behind me. I’ve always kept my head in an emergency. I have lost my every day cool nothing affects me personality. I seem to spend much of my day in perpetual happiness. A sort of calm, life is good, nothing can be better because, I’m alive sort of feeling. I walk around a stupid smile pasted on my face. I’ve always been a pretty happy person in general but, this is different. This is calmer and more relaxed. So I’m cruising along and everything is really good and then out of the blue I just seem to lose it. Especially if it involves one of those moments that makes people go Aww. When I say lose it I’m talking about losing it. My eyes tear up and I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling where you know your seconds away from bursting into tears. Not regular that’s sad tears. Full on tears streaking down your face, blowing snot bubbles, total melt down kind of tears. I’ve actually left the bar to avoid this from happening. I grew up in a house where I’m the oldest of three boys. We valued toughness and tenacity, men didn’t cry or whine, they shut up or put up, period. So understanding that, you can see how this new-found compassion?, Sympathy?, Empathy? Or whatever it is, can and is a little irksome to me.

So there you have it. I can’t remember what I’m saying, I don’t do things in a logical ordered manner, I cry at every stupid “touching” commercial but, I’ve gained some creativity and maybe a little insight. Tell me. Am I losing my mind?

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About jonmrjr

I am a 40 year old survivor of Congenital Heart Defects or CHD for short. This is not another blog about how I survived a heart attack. Congenital means born with. I have lived with this my whole life, as have many others. 1 in 125 babies are born with a CHD, it is the number one birth defect in the world. World wide it kills more children than all childhood Cancers combined. This is my story and how I live with CHD. My hope is to bring awareness to this condition and inspire others to chase their dreams as I do.

Posted on April 2, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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